Worst Case Scenario

July 24, 2007 | Filed Under Uncategorized |

The parking restriction at McDonald’s Gatwick South terminal is 45 minutes or else you get a parking fine. You can’t dodge it because it’s ANPR (Automatic Number Plate Recognition) camera controlled parking. So how long does it take to feed a family of 4?

You pull into the carpark - clock starts ticking
(0 minutes)

You pull into a parking space and turn off the engine - add two more minutes if mum is doing the parking
(1 minute)

You extract the kids from the car, one is six and stands patiently by the side of the car whilst you try to assemble the child buggy for the litte one (you need it in case there are no high chairs available) check you have your keys/ money and head off to the store across the carpark.
(4 minutes)

You get into the store and opt for the “park mum and the kids at the table’ option. Coats off first. You track down a high-chair for the little one and a cloth so you can wipe those ever-present stains and food crumbs off of it.
The kids will both have the usual Happy Meals™ one with a cheeseburger and the other chicken nuggets. Mum can’t decide if she’s still on that diet or not, does she opt for a deli-sandwich or can she really go for the big mac meal and not look greedy? I reassure her that no matter what she orders her bum can’t possibly get any bigger. She obviously is comforted by this and after some serious decision making she opts for some toasted ciabatta, naan bread, chicken tikka, wrapped, McFolded, mayo, salad sandwich thingy with a side salad, milkshake and a McFlurry™. I head off to the counter wondering how she even knows this stuff!
(8 mintues and small headache)

[note1: I like eating Mcdonald’s, when I really go for it I have no problem eating a Big Mac™, large fries, 3 cheeseburgers, apple pie, medium coke AND a chocolate shake!, back to the timeline…]

I opt for a quarter pounder with cheese meal with an extra cheeseburger (just for luck) but I can’t decide if I want the apple pie or not this time, so guess what? … that’s right, I will come back later for that! There’s only two people ahead of me in the queue so it won’t be too bad.

[note2: For the sake of the timeline let’s not pretend that I queue for 28 mintues, like I had to when I went into the McDonald’s in town last Saturday!. In there it’s not unusual for families to send out search parties to see if you’ve even been served but let’s not go there!… I will call it 5 minutes]

After watching the two people in front get their food, I get to the counter and place my order.
(13 mintues)

All the food gets assembled onto the tray, once again I’m going to pretend that all the food was ready and they didn’t have to offer to “bring it over to the table” for me. I stagger to the table with a mountain of food, drinks and boxes and the fun begins.
(16 minutes)

It takes a moment to get unpacked and organised. My daughter (aged 2) gets the cheeseburger, she dives right in and my son has nuggets but first he wants to assemble the toy that came with his meal! What is it and WTF does it do? It’s another couple of minutes wasted whilst my food gets cold but he has his Shrek toy and starts to play with it. We start eating.
(19 minutes)

Wait!, now my daughter seeing the toy wants hers too. I make that for her and after unwrapping my food I am surrounded by enough rubbish to supply a small paper mill. I have to tidy up a bit. We all eat.
(21 minutes)

[note3: So how long does it actually take to eat? Well surprisingly the last time I took the kids it was actually 48 minutes just to eat our food! Right there that blows the whole 45 minute car parking issue right out of the window but for the sake of this example let’s call it 15 minutes! I know it’s unrealistically fast but I am doing my best here……]

We finish eating. My son has even managed to eat the fries that my daughter didn’t want. In 15 minutes my wife has eaten her ciabatta, mayo, chicken tikka sandwich thingy, a side salad, milkshake and a McFlurry™. The greedy cow! No wonder I never take her anywhere!
(36 minutes)

The toilet shift begins. We can’t go together as there is no one to look after our belongings if we all disappear for a poo, and we can’t just leave the kids sitting at the table by themselves.. can we? I take my son to the toilet and return.
(40 minutes)

My wife goes to the toilet. Sometimes my wife has to take my daughter to that nappy changing room place that men don’t even know exists, but not this time. For this example my daughter has kept her food in the top half of her body an also hasn’t thrown up. She returns from the toilet.
(44 minutes)

We pack up, clean the fries off the floor. Put all our rubbish in the bin and consider how we are going to get the kids out of the restaurant, into the car and out of the carpark in 60 seconds, the wife looks like she’s about to die from eating all that food in 15 minutes, I haven’t had my apple pie and it’s just started raining…

my son spots the colouring pad on the wall, …with crayons provided!

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